Desire vs. Reason

I wrote down this quote awhile back and recently came across it. I don't know who said it or where i found it, but I feel like it sums up my marathon pretty well:
A Marathon is about the triumph of desire over reason.

My urge to finish the marathon wiped out any sense of 'oh, maybe i should stop before i cause permanent damage to my body'. And i've been reminded by so many people since my marathon that what i went through in order to finish was a great accomplishment. I guess that's true. Sometimes though, i find myself thinking it was also very stupid of me to keep going despite my injuries.

Stupid crutches....they just keep getting in my way and interfering with my normal life. I want to throw them away. Lucky runners......i see people outside running, walking, enjoying the outdoors and it makes me incredibly jealous. even sad. Thank goodness for the painkillers....they've been good to me.

But I'm getting stir crazy. I'm restless. The gym misses me. The softball field misses me. My running shoes miss me. It's summer, and i'm on crutches. I wake up on Saturday mornings, wishing i were out on the trail with fellow runners, sweating through the heat. I used to wish i could sleep in on those mornings, and now i have the strongest desire to wake up at 5:30 am and go run. Those extra hours of sleep are SO not worth it. I miss the satisfaction from finishing a long run. I miss the feeling of 'only 12...10...8... miles left to go'. I even miss the feeling of utter exhaustion and not wanting to go another step.

2 weeks of recovery down.....? weeks to go.

here's a few of my pics from the marathon

nothing too exciting. just a photo op with john bingham at the expo, pre-race photo with teammates, 6:24 clock shot (the moment i thought my leg would snap), and some glamour shots from the ambulance & hospital.

you stay classy, San Diego.

a tale of running, tears, and ambulances

PART ONE
In the beginning.....i woke up at 3:30 am, feeling great, excited, and optimistic that the marathon was going to go great. We hopped on the shuttle at 4:00 and headed to the start area. It was amazing to just be among the sea of runners, the anticipation was thrilling and i couldn't wait for the gun to go off. My leg was feeling good and my pockets were stocked with the essentials: gum, Gu, Sport Beans, Biofreeze and salt packets. i slathered on some Biofreeze, ate two packets of salt, took some extra strength Tylenol and got into Corral 12 with Katie and Rob, aiming for a 4:30 finish.

The scene was electric, 20,000 runners all pumped up and cheering as the gun went off and we edged towards the start line. I thought back to the past 5 months of training, all the miles i've logged, all the donations i'd been given, all the sacrifices i'd made in preparation for this moment, and all i could do was smile. The first couple of miles flew by, as we were running about a 9:40 pace and dodging in and out of the crowd of runners. It was so fun to see the bands that were performing and i felt great despite a slight limp. My right knee was twinging a bit, but it was nothing that was going to stop me or slow me down.

We ran through Balboa Park and past the zoo, the downhill wasn't as easy on my leg as i hoped, so i was glad when we got to downtown and the road flattened out. Took some Sport Beans and saw my coach, Koach Karl, which was a big boost of extra energy. It was awesome running past the Padres stadium, through the Gaslamp Quarter, and along the Harbor. We had ironed our names onto our jerseys in bright green, and the spectators noticed, shouting out "Go Rob!" "GO KATIE(s)!!" Just hearing our names called out was a major motivator to keep up the pace. And with 19 miles left, I was feeling great. This is so much fun! I love marathons!!! 7 miles done, 71:07.

And then, the 3 mile long uphill started. my knee started hurting more, but i knew that i wanted to stay on pace with Rob & Katie, to help motivate me up the hill. I tried, i really really tried. But at about 8.5, i could not take the pain. And there was a medical tent about 100 yards ahead, so i jogged to it and sat down as a nice man came over and diagnosed me with 'pretty bad tendonitis and bursitis'. He massaged my knee. Ow, ow, ow!! This hurts so bad! Make the pain stop. He gave me some ice and helped me stretch my muscles out, then i got up to continue on the next 17 miles. I decided at that moment that i probably shouldn't have stopped. It hurt so bad to start jogging again. I couldn't. So i walked. I limped. I cried. I can do this, i can keep going. If people can fight cancer, i can keep jogging through some leg pain.

I was frustrated. I was angry. And i was in severe pain. I was getting very down, when i saw my teammate Courtney and yelled at her. She came over and saw my sad condition and all i could do was cry. She stopped to walk with me and get my spirits back up. It helped so much to have someone familiar there with me, someone to talk to. We walked for about a mile and then started jogging.

It hurt. But i jogged anyway, and we limped along, searching for Koach Karl who was supposed to be around the 12 mile mark. I knew i couldn't stay with Courtney, i didn't want to slow her down, and my shin was starting to hurt along with my knee. and my hip. my whole right leg was quitting on me. I finally saw Coach and immediately broke down. I told Courtney to go ahead, and he sat me on the ground as he rubbed my shin. The pain was almost unbearable. excruciating. But i knew i wanted to finish the marathon no matter what, so he helped me to my feet and we passed the half-marathon point and i sat down again as he taped my shin and gave me some more Tylenol. The tape helped ease my shin pain, so I told him i was okay to keep walking and he told me to stay optimistic and he'd be around mile 22. After a short while, i had to rip the tape off my shin, because it gave me a new pain from the lack of circulation. Just pick one pain or the other and keep going. Even though my leg hurt, i knew i had to make it the last 12 miles, so i kept walking and fighting back my tears. It was lonesome and frustrating being out there by myself, discouraged and dejected.

This is not fun. This was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. But it's not. I'm in pain. I want to quit. But the crowd kept yelling "Good Job Katie, keep it up!" and then thankfully, i found a nice girl named Amanda from North Carolina at mile 16 and we got to talking. If it weren't for her, those last 10 miles would've been the longest 3.5 hours of my life. She helped me realize that it didn't matter if it took me 4 hours or 7 hours to finish, but i was going to complete a marathon.

After i got over my frustration, i just focused on walking to the finish. I saw coach again at mile 22 and told him i was feeling alright. 4 more miles, just keep it up. keep walking, you're doing great katie. I was starting to look past my sorry situation and enjoy it more and instead of tears of pain, i shed some tears of joy when i realized that i was almost done. Amanda and i had decided to jog the last little bit of the race once we saw the finish line. So i mustered up all the remaining energy that i had and forced myself to limp-jog to the finish. ow. Ow. ow. OW. ow...this was a bad idea to jog..ow. OW. Ow....i'm almost there! I forced a smile for the camera.

6 hours, 17 minutes. Nearly two hours past my goal. And then i cried. Not because i'd finished a marathon, but because i had never been in so much pain before. So i limped to get my medal, limped to get my picture taken, limped to get my gear bag and limped to check in at the TNT tent. And with each step, there was a *pop* in my shin area. It was gross, and with each step, i was expecting my leg to snap in two.

PART TWO
I hobbled my way to the Medical tent and told them i was in severe pain and thought i had a stress fracture. They had me lay down on the cot, and the doctor came over to poke around on my leg.
"We're going to have to get you to the hospital for xrays, if you keep walking on this, your bone can potentially break through the skin at the fracture point."

My chapter director and Koach Karl were notified and they came over to reassure me that i'd be okay. I made friends with the two paramedics and they splinted my leg, hoisted me onto a stretcher, into the ambulance, and whisked me away to UCSD Medical Center. I had no way to contact my family, my mentor, my teammates, my boyfriend, or my friend Kaddie who'd drove down from L.A. to see me. They had no clue what was happening or where i was. For all Kaddie knew, i had taken a cab to Tijuana. This was SO not the way i had planned to leave the marathon. I had planned on meeting up with Kaddie and taking the shuttle back to the hotel and hang out in San Diego with her. I had NOT planned on being driven away in an ambulance. So i spent the next 3 hours sitting in a wheelchair with my leg in a splint, having my leg poked around on, and taking some very painful xrays.

The Diagnosis: no visable breaks or fractures, but there's still a possibility it's fractured and not showing up on the xrays. So stay off of it for several weeks. No kidding...really? I could've told you that. I can't even put pressure on it without screaming in pain. Apparently some of my muscle fibers had torn away from the bone. Sweet. That's just great. I don't care what you call it. It hurts.

So here i am now, on crutches, hobbling around with tendonitis, bursitis, severe muscle strain and a possible stress fracture. Not exactly what i had envisioned i'd be like after my first marathon. But i finished. I ran/walked 26.2 miles. And walked (crutched) away with an undoubtedly unique story and a large medical bill.

Just say goodbye to my running & softball careers for the next six weeks. But i'll be back as soon as i'm 125% healed.

Rock 'n' Roll San Diego, Here I go....

It's almost here!!!! In about 9 hours, i will start running the most exciting and scariest race of my life. I'm feeling very optimistic about it, even though my leg is still being a bother. But i'm going to look past that and enjoy the entire experience. The people, the music, the challenge, the extreme excitement of running my first marathon.

Tonight we had the TNT pasta party and it was SO inspiring to see over six thousand participants, coaches, and honored patients. And it reminded me of just what I am running 26.2 miles for. I know that no matter how much pain i may be going through tomorrow, that is nothing is comparison to what cancer patients and their families go through. So i'm running this for all of them. But mostly in honor of Brita. And in loving memory of Aunt Dana and Grandma Strahm.

i've been reading through all the encouraging letters and emails i've recieved throughout my training and they make me want to go out there and run, run, run.

This isn't going to be easy. I know that. But this isn't going to so hard that i can't finish it. It's going to be the most amazing experience of my life. so far.

my 3:30 am wake-up time is getting closer, so i head to bed with this as my inspiration:
'I can do all things through Him who strengthens me' Phillipians 4:13

No Looking Back

i'm off to San Diego today, and i'm taking this bum leg with me. will it suck it up and work like a champion? or will it be a wimp and refuse to work?

i have no idea.

and that's what scares me the most.

less than 48 hours until the marathon and the update on my leg is not much better than my last blog. it still hurts. still throbs. still makes me frustrated and nervous. on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being awesome....it's about a 6.5 right now. and that's where it's been the past few days.

but, oh well. here i go. i'm gonna give it all i've got and run, run, kitkat.